Dullard Wizard

Wizard #215 -- Marvel's 70th Anniversary Issue -- contains its share of whoppers, and shows its continued brown-nosing of Marvel in general. Probably the biggest knee-slapper in its seventy "Marvelous Moments" is #53: "Heroes Reborn." I'm glad that at least this moment found its way pretty far down on the list, yet, honestly, let's be real -- it does deserve to be there. But check out the narrative:

"The art was, unsurprisingly, amazing"???? WTF are they smoking? Maybe Wiz's butt-kissers oughta take a gander at this post. Or, Mark Engblom's recent retrospective centering on "HR." Look, Jim Lee's art (as usual) was pretty good on Fantastic Four, and Whilce Portacio's had its moments on Iron Man, but Rob Liefeld's Cap was flat-out horrific, and Chap Yaep's in Avengers wasn't that far behind. As Engblom says about "HR," "Despite respectable sales numbers (which the hype all but guaranteed) ..." that is pretty much it in a nutshell. Hype. Exactly what Image Comics' founding was.

Next: Poor Walt Simonson. He just can't get any respect:

Yeah. Walt Simpson. Nice editing/proofreading on such a milestone issue, eh?

Regarding these next two items, see if you can ... well hell, just check 'em out:


Doesn't it just absolutely trash the very concept of key character "deaths" to laud the demise of a person like Bucky ... then at the same time to note that such a key historic moment was ignored by a current "hot" creator -- because he brought him back? And then this same "hot" creator gets similarly lauded for offing one of the companies longest-published heroes! C'mon -- "shook the comic biz to its core"? "Mainstream media as well"?? Please. Point me to ANYONE who didn't immediately know that Steve Rogers would be back as Captain America eventually. ANYONE. And it sure is easy to "shake the mainstream media" by sending out publicity blitzes to every network and newspaper extant.

Face it: character "deaths" ceased shocking people around the resurrection of Jean Grey. It's one thing to "bring back" minor characters like Wonder Man, but when you [legitimately] shock the industry by offing a popular hero and then resuscitate him/her shortly thereafter, please. I think the final straw for me was Marvel head honcho Joe Quesada's resurrection of Iron Man mentor Ho Yinsen (his brain inside Iron Man armor, at least) and original Iron Man villain Wong Chu. (Amazingly, too, Wizard ranks Quesada's ascension to Marvel editor-in-chief as #7 on their list.)

The big upside of Wiz #215 is an article on under-rated Marvel scribe Bill Mantlo. Known as "The Fill-In King," Mantlo's contribution to the Marvel mythos is by and large unknown. But for me, I know Bill as the writer of my favorite single-issue Iron Man story of all-time: "Long Time Gone." Apparently, many fans (and Marvel) think highly of this story, too, as it was reprinted in volume 3's "monster" issue, #46. If you ever have a chance to read this story, do it.

The dirtiest line ever uttered in comics

Courtesy of Timewarp #5 (1980) in the short "... Until I Find A Way In Time":

Despite this vulgarity (LOL), Sheldon Mayer's yarn may be the best I've yet read in this DC sci-fi title. It's sort of a "Timecop" tale, where an unscrupulous 25th century dude plans to make himself rich back in the 19th century. It utilizes a "closed loop" time geometry; the protagonist gets rich by betting with Martian industrial diamonds. However, these diamonds contain a strain of the "Martian Flu" which proceeds to wipe out all of humanity in a few years! Our protagonist discovers this sordid fact after he jaunts sixty years up the timestream (still in the 19th century) to take advantage of his accumulated riches. Oops. He can't even jaunt back to his home 25th century because humanity is dead -- time travel will never have been invented, so his traveling device is useless! But ... if dead humanity prevents time travel from being invented, why is our protagonist still alive?? He'd never have been born!

When lousy science meets an otherwise cool story

In my recently acquired collection of late-70s/early 80s back-issues, among some of the titles was a previously unknown (to me) DC title called Timewarp. It collects short science-fiction yarns; some are really good, some not so much, and some just plain suck. Nevertheless, in issue #4, George Kashdan's story "The Uncommon Cold" contained such grievous science blunders that it totally ruined an otherwise decent story.

It begins in a future Earth where a centuries-old (human) space probe crash lands on the surface. Inside, a horrific creature emerges! The humans present wonder how an alien got onboard a human probe; but, all this pontificating is set aside as the monstrosity whips out a tendril and touches one of the humans on the arm. Within seconds, the human lets out a massive sneeze -- much to the horror of his fellows! Why horror? Because the common cold had been eradicated on Earth centuries ago! The creature is carrying "cold germs," as the panicked humans call it.

And this is where the science nonsense begins. First, how does a mere touch on the arm by someone carrying "cold germs" cause someone to sneeze virtually immediately? "Cold germs" infect a person via the nose or eyes -- hence we're always told to wash our hands frequently during the winter months, and to keep our hands away from our eyes and nose (and mouth). Even if the common cold hadn't be around for hundreds of years, it would still infect humans in the same manner. Especially so, I believe.

Soon we see some higher-ups discussing the issue before them. One scientist says, "The so-called common cold can easily develop into an epidemic or pneumonia, influenza, or other related maladies!" In response to a query as to whether there is a cure, the scientist says, "No -- when the final disease organism was wiped out hundreds of years ago, antibiotic production ceased!"

Which is fine, except ... the common cold, influenza and several types of pneumonia would not be affected by antibiotics at all!! Why? Because they're caused by viruses, not bacteria! How could an advanced future Earth not know of these fundamental science facts? And, lest you think this was just a mere oversight on author Kashdan's part, nope! He sticks withe the premise: It's discovered that the creature in the probe was actually once human, but the "cold germs" it was carrying caused her to "mutate" over the centuries into a massive walking "cold germ." (Seriously.) The higher-ups dispatch a couple agents to travel back in time to the probe's launch -- to inject the female astronaut with ... penicillin!! But penicillin is an antibiotic! The common cold, again, is caused by a virus. Pencillin would have no effect on the common cold virus!!

Yeesh. Not only did these supposedly intelligent future humans bungle this whole time-travel "rescue," the pencillin -- which miraculously cured the astronaut of the common cold VIRUS -- comes back to bite the future Earth right in the ass: The astronaut from the past planned on mutating into a massive cold-carrying entity. It was to prevent a massive "cosmic cloud" from destroying the Earth centuries in the future -- which just now happens to be enveloping the globe! (How's that for timing?) DOH! Hence, the Earth is wiped out by the organisms contained in the cloud because the "antidote" -- the common cold virus -- is no longer available thanks to our time-traveling "saviors!"

Avengers featured in a M*A*S*H faux pas

I've noticed a gaffe in my favorite TV show of all-time for many years now -- something only a true Marvelite could catch. Check out these two images of "Radar" O'Reilly asleep in his cot:

See what that red arrow is pointing at? Look closely. Yep, that's an issue of Avengers #60 from 1969. Check it:


So tell me: How can Radar be reading a comic from at least sixteen years in the future?? (The Korean War lasted from 1950-1953.)